Three Essentials

There are three essential realities that must be present if a man and a woman are to build a marriage that is not only enduring but blessed by God. Where these three are found—truly found, not merely professed—there is stability, joy, and a household that becomes a fountain of generational blessing. I have never witnessed a home where these were present in any meaningful measure that was not marked by peace. And I have never seen their absence without sorrow eventually following close behind.

For those who are not yet married, hear this plainly: begin with yourself. Examine your own soul before you go searching for another. And understand this—if these things are not being formed in you, you’re not preparing for a godly marriage, no matter what else you bring to the table. Beauty fades, wealth shifts, talents impress for a moment—but these will not sustain a covenant. These three will.

First: An unwavering love for the Lord Jesus Christ and true submission to His Lordship.

There must be no ambiguity here. No “perhaps,” no “I think so,” no vague profession that can’t withstand the weight of life. Christ must not be an accessory—He must be our Master. And this will not remain hidden. It will show itself in obedience, in repentance, in humility, and in a life that bends under His Word and His authority.

Why is this so critical? Because left to ourselves, we’re ruled by self. And self, unchecked, destroys. Two sinners, each clinging to their own will, will tear a marriage apart. But when both bow to Christ’s lordship, they share a higher authority—a Lord who teaches them to die to themselves for the good of the other.

This is the foundation of love: self-denial for the sake of another. Our Lord Himself declared that any who would follow Him must deny themselves and take up their cross (Matt. 16:24-25). A marriage without the cross at its center will eventually collapse under the weight of selfishness. But where Christ reigns, love isn’t merely spoken, it’s formed, refined, and sustained.

Second: Diligence.

Marriage isn’t sustained on emotion alone. It is built, day by day, through faithfulness. Diligence is the quiet strength of a life that shows up, that does the work, that keeps its word when it’s costly. It is honesty, perseverance, sacrifice, and the steady refusal to abandon what is good when it becomes hard. Many imagine marriage as a romance—but in truth, the happiest marriages often resemble something far more substantial: a well-ordered household, a carefully tended vineyard, a city with strong walls. There is romance and beauty in it, yes—but it’s a romance and beauty forged through labor.

Scripture honors this. The diligent hand prospers. The faithful worker labors unto the Lord. The virtuous woman rises while it is yet night and orders her household with wisdom. Without diligence, a home decays. With it, it flourishes. If you would build something that lasts, you must be a man or woman who can be relied upon—before God and before others. “The hand of the diligent will rule, but the lazy man will be put to forced labor” (Prov. 12:24).

Third: Kindness.

Kindness isn’t simply a personality trait—it’s a manifestation of grace. It is love made visible. It is the steady posture of a heart that seeks the good of another, even when it’s inconvenient, even when it is undeserved. A kind person doesn’t merely act kind when it suits them—they are kind, because Christ has been kind to them. They forgive because they have been forgiven. They show mercy because they have received mercy.

In marriage, kindness is the oil that keeps everything from grinding into ruin. It softens harsh words, restrains anger, bears burdens, and heals wounds. Without it, even small offenses grow into great divisions. With it, even great offenses can be overcome. Scripture commands this plainly: “be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” This isn’t optional, it’s essential. For cruelty poisons the soul, but mercy restores it.

These three—devotion to Christ, diligence in life, and kindness in heart—are not isolated virtues. They grow together, and they culminate in love. As the apostle Peter writes, if these things abound in you, you “will not be barren or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins” (2 Peter 1:5-9).

So, take heed. Do not build lightly where God has called you to build for generations. Lay the right foundation. Seek first the Lord. Give yourself to the work. Clothe yourself with kindness. And in doing so, you will not only prepare for marriage—you will prepare for a life that bears fruit unto God.

Note: I highly recommend Jason Farley’s book, In Pursuit of Kindness.